The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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