Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
