if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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