I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my being single is dangerous.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
