I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
