my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
