she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
