Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
