got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
50% drunk capacity currently
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
