i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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