this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
