I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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