i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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