I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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