You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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