we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
