I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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