I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
