There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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