allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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