My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
