You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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