we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
