forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
