i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
