I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
