I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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