She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
