I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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