I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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