Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Everyone says I win the strip club
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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