I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
