also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
