as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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