so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
