Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
