My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
