I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
