No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
