apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
