pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
