dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
