Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
