Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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