just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
