dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
