i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
why is half of my head shaved?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
