So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
