Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
