Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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