I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
not ubering you a puppy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
